I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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