fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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