Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Say something about gay babies.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
