FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
