My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
