i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
