sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
