Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
