Jerry, you need to find god
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
