she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
