Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
