I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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