Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
