did you get engaged???
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
