Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
