Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Even my vagina gasped.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
