There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
