kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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