im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
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