good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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