I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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