Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
