She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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