my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
