I accidentally had phone sex last night
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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