I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.