his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
