I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
