He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Drake has all the answers
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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