I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
