I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
