It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
