is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
