She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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