If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
