Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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