This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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