he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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