I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
