why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
