how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
