I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't deserve a penis
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
