Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
