When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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