He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
