we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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