I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
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I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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