Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I am one with the molecules
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
