You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
