New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
