have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
