Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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