Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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