You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
