Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
