If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
