I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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