Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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