she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
